Low Fidelity 7-5-09

Low Fidelity is a playful term that i used to describe my job, and
these are the things that occur while i'm at work that keep my brain
busy and confused.

-From July 5th 2009-

Yesterday was a pretty awesome day for the most part...today blows it out of the water heartily though!

Woke up at 11 and went and had lunch with dad which is always enjoyable...but more so this time because of the INCREDIBLE cast of characters that we encountered at grannys...there was this old man that looked like mr magoo that was talking to me about stuffing...and the little girl wondering around with an ice cream cone in her hand gazing at everyone/thing in wide wonder, and the creepy mean old man that said "WATCH IT!" as he walked by me while i was getting out of my chair...and the creepy black cook that said to me "dang yungsta...how big you is? you play football? how old you is?" and i told him how old i was and he looked at me with a look of "holy crap that young man is quite sizeable in stature for a man that age" and he said "oh...i figya'd you play football or some sh*t"

So i then began getting ready for work...which wasn't as annoying a process as i thought it would be today...then i got on the road and the roads were basically dead and my tape player was actually working!

Then i saw it...possibly the creepiest thing i've ever seen in a mall parking lot.

This older asian woman who was absolutely beautiful was standing by her car digging through her trunk...in a very short black dress...and the wind was blowing. So i know your thinking "but brandon, you're not creepy so of course you just walked in and smiled and treated her like a normal person right?" hehe...nope. I proceeded to sit in the car and wait for the inevitable...and BOOM! errr...WHOOSH it happened...a perfect gust of wind and up came the skirt...not a whole lot, but certainly enough to see her entire right butt cheek...which of course was covered in creepy spider veins and whatnot. Needless to say i walked towards the door and she gave me a very weirded out look like she knew what just happened so i gave her my paralyzing smile and said "how are you doin today? *grins like a turd*" and proceeded into work.

When i walked into work the store was pretty busy though and i spotted an awesome redneck couple that looked like they knew their way around a bottle of drano...

Then i decided to make note of all the random people and things i saw, because to go into as much detail as is necessary would take longer to type then i want, so here goes my list of notes i scribbled onto a piece of receipt paper to remember the events i was witnessing:

-god bless the girls that wear coochie cutters and no underwear who give you creepy looks when they see that you've noticed
-holy crap! coochie cutter is eating ice cream out of the same bowl with the same spoon as her hella douchey bf holding the lenny kravitz cd and his dumb friend and their incredibly creepy looking black friend!..more like AIDS CREAM!
-rofl @ the couple looking at anime porn together
-rofl @ this stupid daughtry song where he is using autotune...arent american idol people supposed to be able to sing without extra help?
-rofl @ a mexican askin me if we have "mumrika's" and being mad when i couldnt figure out he meant "memory cards"
-hahaha rofl @ icp dude with his hella funny pony tail and incredible fashion...he's wearing crocks and swimming shorts and a spiderman shirt and looking heartily at icp cd's
-so the creepy couple looking at porn that i thought were in their late 20's were actually both 18 and they just spent $60.00 worth of porn!
-rofl @ they guy saying "hay mayun...evrybodeh's gawt to have a hobby ryte?"
-more like "soulja boy suck em...and by em i mean dix...also more like "turn my fag on..."
-holy crap *insert name here* sure is wacked out of his mind on steroids...the dude was uncontrollably shaking and inexplicably bowed up...he looks like POPEYE!
-14 mexicans in the store at once!
-rofl @ the annoying wigger rednecks making an annoying slurping sound with their milkshake their sharing and buying a hollywood undead cd...
-wait...that's 2 instances of weird people sharing ice cream, and 2 hollywood undead cd's sold...
-mall cop has just made his way to the porn section...wonder if he buys anything
-NOW KING KONG BUNDY IS HERE AND HE'S LOOKING AT PORN TOO!
-PORN BATTTTTTTTTTTLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
-these fellas have been plugging away at the porn section for some time now
-mall cop finishes first!
-mall cop just spent $28.37 and mentioned that he saw me lookin at the asian lady all creepy and admitted that he drove around in circles so he could get a better look as well and we both agreed what we saw was in fact awesome.
-mall cop is now our second porn purchaser of the day...until bundy steps up to the plate that is!
-bundy is inexplicably walking away with nothing and looking in rap now...
-wait...bundy is on his way back to the porn! BUN-DY! BUN-DY! BUN-DY! BUN-DY! BUNDY! BUNDY! BUNDY! YEAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! (i was standing at the counter cheering him on aloud)
-so king kong bundy just dropped $39.56 on porn! the best part is that he saved $6 cause of his membership card!
-unfortunately he didnt spend his usual $60 so he's only in 2nd place
-now the moley redneck is here to stake his claim to the title! that's 2 of my biggest porn buyers! now if creepy grandpa would show up my day would be complete
-moley redneck quickly drops $32 and claims 3rd place on the day
-today has been rather busy...way busier than a usual sunday

that's the main highlights i wrote down...the only other awesome things worth noting were:
-the guy with the indiana pacers tattoo
-the fat 10 year old redneck kid with a freakishly long mullet/rat tail and camouflage crocs
-rat tail boy's mom who has on a nickelback 2009 tour shirt and a blue dolphin tattoo on her leg
-the black guy with acne who asked if we had any ween cd's
and finally...
-the stuttering black guy with 2 hellacious children who bought 3 cd's and returned them and bought 3 different cd's because "dey wudn't tha wunz eye wunted"

Oh yeah, also i was walking through the metal section and noticed that lillian axe has a new album out and i was thinking to myself "i wonder if there's a person out there who is like...the world's biggest lillian axe fan ever...like with album cover tattoo's and stuff...

flash forward 3 hours

So i'm standing at a listening station listening to 30 second clips of the new dirty projectors album when all of a sudden walks in this big guy in a saints hat and i asked him if i could help him and he said "yeah man, i was wundrin if you could look up and see if ya'll have a new cd by lillian axe" and i thought "no f*ckin way!" so as i rang him up i just HAD to see if this was the guy...and sure enough it was! the dude had a lillian axe tattoo AND he was from nola so he's friends with both current members and ex members and has seen them live "at least 20 times" which is just so ironic that it's gorgeous...i did resist the urge to give him a hug and take pictures with him though even though i felt obligated to do at least one of the two.